Real Happy Mom

Practical tips and encouragement for moms

You Don’t Have to Be a Hot Mess Mom! 3 Steps to Break Out of the Hot Mess Mom Mentality

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Do you seem to find that moms are being praised for the more that they struggle and give in to the hot mess mom culture?

You know. The mom that is always struggling with the messy bun and the same outfit on from yesterday that fuels off lots of coffee or wine.

The truth is motherhood is a real journey and you can enjoy the ups and downs. Just like a rollercoaster.

Instead of giving in to the hot mess mom culture, do the opposite. Be the mom that shows up for her family, gets things done, and takes care of herself.

In this episode, Elyse walks us through the 3 steps to getting out of the hot mess mom mindset.

Break out of overwhelm

Do this by looking at what you are focusing on. Remember, what you focus on expands.

Change your negative focus by starting gratitude or mindfulness practice so that you focus on the good things in motherhood.

Look at your support network

Look at who you have around you. Do you have other friends that are hot mess mamas?

Be the mother that your kids need by surrounding yourself with moms that are getting things done.

You can’t shift other’s mindsets

Check out the full episode to learn more, plus things that you can do daily to help keep you out of the hot mess mom mindset.

About

Elyse lives in Australia with her husband and two, soon to be three, children. She is passionate about empowering women to simplify their life and home so they can walk in faith and be present for their families.

Elyse started the “Wholesome Mumma” brand as a platform and community for overwhelmed and exhausted mothers to find joy and encouragement, and start to thrive and enjoy their life.

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Transcript of this episode

Real Happy Mom 0:02
Hey there, and welcome back to another episode. Happy Mom podcast. I’m super happy to have you back. Thank you so much for tuning in. I am so grateful for all of those that tune in every week. So thank you. Thank you Now, this is your first time you are going to be hearing from one of my my friends, Elise, she is one of my Australian Mama’s out there. And today we’re going to be talking about this hot mess mindset. Now I’m sure you’ve heard about it and seen moms talk about it on social media. But she talks about how we can break out of that in this episode. So if you’re not familiar with what a hot mess mom is, don’t worry at least gonna talk about that, as well as what the opposite of the hot mess mindset looks like, and how we can kind of get that balance back. Also, in this episode, Elise talks about how we can take some really easy practical steps to actually identify and get to the root of what is causing us to feel like we are in this hot mess mindset. And then some practical day to day steps that we can take to go from hot mess mom until a Real Happy Mom. So let’s go ahead and jump right into this week’s episode. All right, Elise, welcome to the podcast.

Elyse 1:24
Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here.

Real Happy Mom 1:27
Yes. And I’m excited to have you because I have another Australian friend Yay. On the bike as a thank you for coming on.

Elyse 1:39
I’m very excited to come over and meet with you once international travel is back and happening again.

Real Happy Mom 1:47
Absolutely. Now, today we are talking about that hot mess mindset and how to get out of it. But before we get started, I just wanted you to tell me a little bit about you and what you do.

Elyse 1:59
Yes, so I’m obviously from Australia, from the east coast, a beautiful place called New Castle that I think is paradise. I live with my husband and our two seem to be three babies. And they are all very close together. So it’s a wild ride. And this year, I started the wholesome mama brand, which kind of just took off out of nowhere, just from sharing the reality of motherhood. So I’m excited to share that here with you guys as well.

Real Happy Mom 2:36
Yes, definitely. And I wanted to bring you on because of this whole hot mess mindset is kind of been, I think it was kind of trending at one point. But I just wanted you to share what this heartless mom mindset is for someone who is not familiar with it.

Elyse 2:54
Yeah, so the whole hot mess, Mama mindset thing is really this culture, I guess it’s become where motherhood is a struggle. And that is where you are meant to be, and that we are stuck there. And a lot of the time, particularly one thing that I heard coming into being a mother was that’s happening. Yeah, well, welcome to motherhood. And if you’re struggling, it’s this message that if you’re struggling, the more you struggle, the better you must be at being a mother. And I just think that that is a little bit ridiculous. And then we look at motherhood and the it’s almost an epidemic of have coffee till nine and then it’s wine and it’s just survival mode of drink coffee until it’s acceptable to drink wine and then just drink wine. And that’s your crutch to get through the day. So really, that it’s just about being stuck in overwhelm. And that means that you’re a good mom.

Real Happy Mom 4:02
Yeah, I’ve seen a lot of that. And I didn’t hear the part about the coffee and everybody will know that most of what I hear about other moms talking about it’s like, you know, it’s okay to have messy hair. Your kids eat, you know, peanut butter and jelly all day. And I’m just like, why isn’t it kill me, first of all, my kids jelly all the time. But I’m just wondering for moms that are like, okay, yeah, I’ve heard that message. What is the opposite of his hotness mindset? And what does that actually look like?

Elyse 4:39
So I was thinking about this and I love that your show is called Real Happy Mom because I think that that honestly sums it up that you are real, that motherhood is still a real journey that yes, there are still stressors, but you know what, I can be joyful in this and I can actually enjoy this journey. of being a motherhood in all the ups and downs and the roller coaster that comes with it. But then when we get into what it actually looks like, it’s a mum who still can show up for her family still can be present, still can be that intentional mother that we all want to be. But she can still get stuff done. So it’s not just about living in survival mode every single day, because that’s exhausting. And that’s draining, it’s still about that she can take control of her day in her home and enjoy that ride.

Real Happy Mom 5:39
Yes, I love all of what you’re just explaining there. And I know, honestly, at least that sounds like yeah, like, this is the perfect picture of you know, what motherhood should really look like. But I want you to walk us through some practical steps that we can take to get out of that hot mess mindset and to be into what you described, what’s the opposite of the hotness mindset?

Elyse 6:03
Yeah, and I just want to clarify, too, that it’s almost a spectrum of motherhood. So on one end, you’ve got this hot mess Mama, where everything’s a mess. And that should be, but then I guess, when you look at social media, you’ve also got this instagrammable picture perfect all the time, you kids have to look perfect, you have to look perfect. So that, I think is the complete opposite end of the spectrum. So I’m kind of somewhere in the middle going, you know what, it’s just a balance, everything is just you have days where, you know what, we have our stuff together. And we look pretty good today. So let’s take a Friday. Or, you know, you do have days where you feel like the world is falling apart. And you do feel like a bit of a hot mess. And, but it’s not staying in either of those, it’s finding that balance that as the days go, and the weeks go, there is a balance there. So I just want to clarify that. First of all, but then some practical steps. So first of all, when it comes to really your mindset, around, breaking out of the overwhelm, and being stuck in that, the first thing is to look at what you are focusing on. So if you are focusing on everything that is overwhelming you you’re focusing on all the things that you can’t control, there’s a quote by john Maxwell, and he says that what you put in front of you you focus on and what you focus on expands. So if you are purely focusing on the overwhelm, and the mess and the stress that comes with motherhood, then that is what’s going to expand but if you are focusing on and this is where having a lack of gratitude practice or a mindfulness practice really can help you is that you were then focusing on the joys and the good things about motherhood. So while you have a hard day, you’re also able to really practically see the good nursing all that too. And then the other thing, when it comes to your mindset is to look at your support network. So that’s one thing is, look at who you have around you do you have people around you who are uplifting you and encouraging you or the people that you are finding yourself around, they may be stuck in that hot mess mindset as well. And a lot of women say to me what I’m talking about, they say, Well, what if they say something when I’m trying to, you know, trying to live differently to them, what they say is on them, so it’s not on you quite simply, you just don’t need to take that on. And you need to live your life. And you need to be the mother that you know that your kids need. So I think if we live our life, depending on what people say that we’re only going to be hurting ourselves and our family in the end. And remembering that you can’t shift their mindset. So look at the community that you surround yourself within, you know, they’re saying it takes a village to raise a family. So look at who’s in your village and surround yourself with people that are really inspiring and uplifting for you. So there are two of the more practical things to do with your mindset. And then did you want me to go into the practical day to day steps

Real Happy Mom 9:55
that we’ll take before you do though I wanted to take Guess that because you said some really good things about gratitude and mindfulness. That is really big, because I think a lot of times it’s it’s easy to stay stuck in thinking about how bad things are. But when you take a step back and look at the situation, there’s a lot of things that you can be be grateful for. And it’s funny, because I’m reminded of this one exercise, I forgot what book it was, but it was like, Okay, I want you to open your eyes, take a look around. And I want you to identify everything that’s red in the room. And when you do that, you’ll find like, all the red things in your room, and then the person tells you, okay, now close your eyes, and try to remember all the yellow things in a room. And you can’t think of all the yellow things because you’re focused on all the red things. And so I think that’s a good exercise to remind you that you know, what you focus on, like you said, expand. So definitely make sure that your mindset is in the right place. And then also about the network part. Let me tell you something I got, I got schooled in 2020, about support network, because there was a woman I was talking to, and I was telling him like, you know, hey, we all have the same 24 hours as Beyonce. And she was like, Yeah, but we don’t all have the same team as Beyonce. And I was like, okay, Point taken, because that’s something that we don’t think about, we think that, you know, we see these these moms, and even these celebrities who are doing like really great things. And we’re thinking like, you know, oh, they can do it. I can, yeah, you can, but you need someone to help you. And I think that’s one things as moms that we could do a lot better about is having more support. So I definitely wanted to share that with you and point that out before you moved into the next part.

Elyse 11:40
Yeah, and that’s so true. And I forget who said it, and I really wish I could remember, but I remember hearing a sermon on a podcast like a celebrity or a coach or someone saying that they got asked the same question saying how do you do it all? And her response was, I don’t do it all. I have a cleaner. We have two nannies like, I don’t do it all, I do what you see. But behind the scenes, I have a team of people. And I think that we often so forget that when we’re looking at other people, particularly through social media, that we’re not seeing the support that goes behind the scenes and remembering that, yeah, okay, we might not be able to have a cleaner or a nanny, I would love to be in that position. But I don’t I do the cleaning and I’m the mother slash nanny. But remembering that we actually need support to that we’re not immune to needing not needing help. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out and going, Hey, I’m actually really struggling at the moment. And I just need a friend to talk to

Real Happy Mom 12:59
you guys definitely I’m with you on all of those things. So yeah, at least I’m gonna let you go ahead and move into the next part that you’re gonna share with us because I know is good.

Elyse 13:10
Okay, so the next thing that I wanted to share about was the what to do practically day to day what is to help move past this hot mess mum mindset. So the first thing is that we look at our day and see what isn’t working. So you can break up the day and think is there a time of day that’s really difficult for me so the best way to do it is to break up the day so morning so when you’re doing a breakfast routine, is there something in there that’s stressing you out during the day Hey is click stressing you may be constantly in the kitchen cooking. And and this isn’t it simply to break up the day and see all the little bits that are currently overwhelming you so I like to think about it as a coke bottle. And when you shake it, the you put it building more gas and eventually it’s going to explode. So what we want to do is we want to break down the day and find those little moments where the coke bottle is being shaken and help defuse that. So and then what we can do is we can see how we can take action because this is what we this is the opposite of being that is stuck in the hot mess is being able to sharp and still get stuff done. We need to problem solve what is currently overwhelming and be able to take action. So the best way that I find is to break up the day find the little things, because often, they’re just little little triggers here and there. But they’re all adding up to be this big overwhelming thing that by the time you get the kids in bed asleep, you are just done for the day. So it’s about diffusing that so. And then once you do that, you can really see Is there an underlying issue that I keep coming back to? So in some further discovery questions, if anyone wants to take it to the next level is looking at how you’re feeling physically. So you tired, you emotionally, feeling exhausted from the get go? How are you sleeping, things like that. Also, again, looking at the people around you, what is your relationship with those around you? What’s your relationship with yourself, and then looking at what outside of this is causing you the most stress right now. So once we’ve done that, the next thing to do is to do a massive brain dump. And I am the biggest fan of a good brain dump, because I like getting everything out of my brain that’s just trying to tick around a billion thoughts at once and getting it out onto the paper where I can see it. And then, so you just write down everything that’s coming up for you. When you when you think about your day, when you’re thinking about what’s causing you stress, what are the little things overwhelming you or even those deeper questions about how you’re feeling in yourself. And then out of those things, focus on what you can control. So everything that you can’t control, cross it off, and just let it go any you can even say I’m letting this go, I can’t control this, I’ve got to let it go. I can’t control this, I’m letting it go. And then everything that you can control, we want to brainstorm. So for every stress point that you can control, what’s one thing that you could do that could be a solution. So it doesn’t have to be the one and only solution. It’s just one thing that could be a solution. So for example, something that I I did this. And what I found was, I was getting to four o’clock in the afternoon every day and feeling really stressed about having to get dinner. Because I really didn’t want to choose what we had for dinner. I just didn’t want to cook dinner, I didn’t know what was in the fridge or the pantry to be even have anything. Maybe we should just get takeaway. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the good old takeaway occasionally. But let’s think of one possible solution, I could do a meal plan. So I know what we have in the fridge. So I have options already there ready for me to choose. And I can just choose one of those.

Elyse 18:12
And then I have know that I have those ingredients in the fridge and pantry ready to go. So that’s not the only solution. But it’s one solution. And when I looked back, that was the root of what was causing me the stress at 4pm every day, because I wasn’t planning my grocery shop. I know that’s a really simple analogy, analogy. But for me, it was having a big impact because I will get to four o’clock and be like, I don’t want to cook dinner. I don’t know, what should we make? Oh, I don’t have anything to go, Oh, I don’t know, because I wasn’t doing the steps beforehand. So really, it’s just brainstorming one simple thing that you can do. So what’s one thing that you can do to make you feel better, that would make this situation better. And the point in this is to not over complicated. And I think that even maybe some listeners are listening to this. They’re already overthinking everything in their head. But when you write it down, you just have one problem. You just write down one solution. So maybe you need to set boundaries in place. Maybe you need to go for a walk when you get home, maybe you need to go for a walk even before you get home. So yeah, discovering Why, why that thing is causing you stress and then just one thing that you can do, and then pick the first big Domino and just do it and see how that has the flow and effective change. So just one change Time one, when at a time, don’t try and do everything too much too soon. Don’t try and do implement all the things at once. Just do one. And just let that change happen and then do another one.

Unknown Speaker 20:15
Yes,

Real Happy Mom 20:16
I love all of this that you were sharing. And I just wanted to recap, because I was taking notes because this was good. And the first thing that you mentioned was taking a look at your day and see what’s not working. In particular, like where, where in the day, is it most challenging? And then see if there’s any underlying issues in this is something that I did not do, but seeing, you know, how you’re feeling? Are you, you know, not get enough sleep? Are you emotionally drained, physically drained, all of those different things. And then next, he said that we should brain dump everything that’s coming to you, because I love this, because I’m with you on the brain dumping, I like getting everything out of my head and onto paper. Then once we got the brain down, focus on the things that we can’t control, cross out things that we can’t, and then start to brainstorm solutions. And then don’t overcomplicate it. And then lastly, is to take it one step at a time. So I absolutely love all of this. And I love this step by step because I know a lot of times we have these problems or challenges, and we’re like, Well, how do I do it. So this is how you do it, Mama, this is how you do it by all of this stuff and never remembered, you know, one change at a time. Because that is something that I think as moms, we think that you know, we’re superhuman, we can go and change the world, which we can. But we do it one step at a time, one day at a time. So remember that mom when you are trying to go from that hot mess mom, to the mom that at least was describing earlier. So thank you for sharing that.

Elyse 21:46
You’re welcome. And yeah, that’s really what the most important part is to just do one change at a time. Because if you are trying to implement too much too soon, you’re not going to be able to do it. And you are then just going to feel even more overwhelmed and feel like you’re getting pulled back and more into that hot mess mindset. So just get one change at a time, look at the brainstorm and think what’s the biggest dominoes, what’s going to have the biggest flow on effective change for our family and then just start with start with one change.

Real Happy Mom 22:27
Absolutely. Now, at least if we want to connect with you learn more about you and get some more of this good information that you’re sharing here today. Where can we find you online?

Elyse 22:40
Yes, so I’m on Instagram at wholesome mama and Mama is m u MMA cuz Ozzy and wholesome mama.com is the website and then also the wholesome mama show is the podcast.

Real Happy Mom 22:57
Yes, and I will make sure to include all of those links in the show notes. At least thank you so much for coming on and sharing this. This was so so good.

Elyse 23:06
Thank you so much for having me. It’s been an absolute pleasure.

Real Happy Mom 23:11
Now there you have it. That is the episode with Elise. I hope you enjoyed our conversation and learn something from her. And I want to put out a challenge to you. I want to challenge you to not just hear Elise in what she had to say but actually put into action. So go ahead and go through those steps and take one thing and go ahead and start implementing it today. It’d be want to take it a step further there. You can put it in your Insta stories and tag me in there so that I can help keep you accountable. Now that’s it for this episode. Make sure you check in next week for another full episode. Take care and with lot’s of luck

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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