As my kids get older, I am finding myself getting into more and more arguments. I thought kids were supposed to stay cute and sweet until they are at least 10 years old?! LOL.
Seriously, I want to be able to have conversations with my kids or give instructions without it turning into an argument. Whenever I have a parenting question there are two people that I lean to … my mom and Kather Winter Sellery.
Haven’t heard of Katherine? Go back and check out episode 103 (Frustrated with Your Kids? 3 Communication Hacks for Peaceful Parenting). Katherine is an expert when it comes to helping moms like you raise awesome kids.
Today’s episode is all about diffusing fights or arguments with your kids. Need help with this? Check out the full episode.
Katherine Sellery, a three-time TEDx speaker, who has taught thousands of parents in a Conscious Parenting Revolution for resilient, considerate, centered, and empowered kids who know their inner voice and honor it. Katherine has been coaching parents, children, and executives on conscious communication for over 16 years.
- Blog/Website: https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/blog
- Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/consciousparentingrevolution/
- Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1899304416803358
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katherinewintersellery/
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/K_WinterSellery
- Freebie: https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/courses/webinar
- eBook: https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/courses/ebook
- Episode 103: Frustrated with Your Kids? 3 Communication Hacks for Peaceful Parenting
- Real Happy Mom Community on Facebook
Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcast
Have you subscribed to the Real Happy Mom podcast? If not, I’m encouraging you to do it today.
I don’t want you to miss any upcoming episodes. I plan to add some bonus episodes that you won’t find on this website, and if you’re not subscribed, you might miss out on those. Click here to subscribe to Apple Podcast!
I would be so happy and grateful if you left me a review on Apple Podcast too. Reviews help Apple Podcast to know that this is a podcast for other moms so that other moms can find this podcast. Plus, it makes my day to read the reviews.
Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know your favorite part of the podcast. I really appreciate any help you can provide.
Related blog posts
- Frustrated with Your Kids? 3 Communication Hacks for Peaceful Parenting
- 4 Proven Ways to Develop Amazing Parenting Skills
- How to Use a Parenting Framework to be a Calm Mom
Join the Real Happy Mom Facebook Community
If you want to get more of what you hear on the podcast (with some fun, of course), hang out with other like-minded moms in the Real Happy Mom Community on Facebook.
Transcript of this episode
Real Happy Mom 0:06
The weekly podcast. Inspiration, encouragement. Practical Tips for this is episode 161. Well, hey there and welcome back to another episode of The Real happy mom podcast. I am very excited to have another returning guest that is Catherine winter salary. And today she is going to be helping us with defusing fights with our kids. Now, if you haven’t already, make sure that you go back and listen to episode 103. That was a really awesome episode that she did where she talked about some communication hacks, so that we can be parenting a lot more peacefully. And one of the things that I absolutely love about Katherine is that she really knows how to break things down and make it super practical so you know exactly what to do to get the results that you want with your kids. Know, Katherine is a three time TEDx speaker. She has taught 1000s of parents, and I know that she can help you as well. Now, before we jump into this episode, if you haven’t already made sure that you check us out on the real happy mom, Facebook community, join us over there by going to real happy mom comm slash community. And inside there, you’ll get more inspiration and encouragement, as well as monthly trainings on Trello, which is a project management tool to help you with systematizing getting routine together and just overall getting things organized in life. So if you want to have more fun with me, outside of the podcast, make sure you join me over in the real happy mom Facebook community. Go to real happy mom.com/communitysothatyoucanjoinmetherealrightnowthatwehavethatoutoftheway. Let’s go ahead and jump on into this week’s episode. All right, so today we have a returning guest. We have Miss Katherine winter salary back on and last time you’re on it was episode 103. And we talked about some communication hacks. And this time around, oh, we are going to be doing I like to say Part Two to the communication. And that is when we are actually having a dispute or fight with our child. So I am excited to talk to you today about that. But before we jump in, for those who haven’t listened to the previous episode, just briefly, tell us a little bit about you and what you do.
Oh, great, thank you so much. First of all, so wonderful to be here. Again, just level of love, love, love this space that you’ve created. So I am a conscious parenting revolution that started about 25 years ago. And it’s kind of been my life’s work. It’s just my passion to support families and understanding what’s going on to the dynamics between the children and the adults in the family, sometimes the adults and the adults as well. And to just minimize the misunderstandings by having some of the skills, some of the skills to be able to see things a little bit differently, to hear things differently, so that we’re not in reactivity. And so that’s kind of my sweet spot is really helping people understand the behaviors that would otherwise possibly just be upsetting.
Real Happy Mom 3:22
Yeah, and we talk a little bit about that. As far as the behaviors that are upsetting, because I didn’t realize after our conversation with you, there were some things that I didn’t even notice just like really subtle, like, just the way that I phrased questions. And so I was really grateful for the conversation that we had last time. But now we are in the years where I’m having these conversations that turn into arguments with an eight and five year old. And I remember calling my mom one day and telling her like mom, like your grandson’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do. He’s like, Are you with me? She was like, he is five at the time. He was hot. He is five, you should not be arguing with a five year old and I was like, yes. No, I shouldn’t.
But Mom, you don’t see it happening? Yeah.
Real Happy Mom 4:13
Like, am I supposed to do so I know you have some steps for defusing a fight. So I want you to break those steps down and then we can kind of jump into one of those.
Great, all right. Well, you know, let’s start with that one where Here you are, you know, you’ve got that five year old and you’re in an argument with them, you’ve probably asked them to do something as my guess. And they’re not doing it. And so, here we are in the argument. So the first step is when your children say no to you, you need to get curious about what they’re saying yes to. Right. So a note to you is yes to something inside of themselves now. We don’t know what they’re saying yes to. And of course I’m just Gonna do a little reminder in the no t, you may also be a no, you’re violating my needs for autonomy and self direction. No, I won’t do it because you’re using power over me. And you’re activating the retaliation, rebellion and resistance inside of me. So maybe you’ve activated the three R’s, which, you know, I think we talked quite a bit about the last time. So the first thing like the first line of defense, when you have those behaviors that are popping up in the kids that you’re just going, Oh, my goodness, the first thing you always look for is did I activate the three R’s, because 75% of behavioral disruptions are actually because the other person perceived the absence of choice that they were being so called made to do it. And if you don’t, XYZ is going to happen to you. So there’s a threat attached to it. And whenever we have the threat attached to our, what we’re saying, it doesn’t feel like a request anymore, it feels like a demand. And whenever we’re using demand language, it activates the other person into the three R’s. Now, sometimes you may get somebody who is activated and doing it anyway. So it’s not obvious that you have a resentment flow, but you still do. And that resentment flow may show up somewhere else. So you know, we just have to pause for a little bit and get out of trying, you know, the goal oriented mindset of trying to get them to change their behavior to do what we want them to do when we want them to do it, and become more interested in connection.
Real Happy Mom 6:31
Yeah, yeah. And that was my big thing that I learned from you was, is the whole connection piece, because that was the part that I was missing. But really quick, the three R’s, those were really good that you gave to us last time, just really quick, remind us what those three R’s are, again,
yes. So it’s retaliation, rebellion, resistance. So whenever I have parents come to me for support, because they’re having a behavioral disruption, that they’re like looking for some support around, the first thing I do is I tune in to see if those behaviors are actually one of the Rs. And if it’s one of the RS, then rather than focusing on changing the child’s behavior, we’re going to work on changing mom and dad’s behavior, about how they approach change. It’s kind of like a change management strategy. A lot of us are accustomed to change management, behavior management in a corporate, you know, setting, but it’s not really that different when it comes to family. In family systems, how we manage change, and changing other people’s behavior is so interesting, because human dynamics are so interesting. And the key here, the other kilt, you know, key is children are people too. And the fact that we look at children’s behavior, through some kind of a filter, it gets in the way of us just seeing them as children that are human beings that are in the same kind of experience that any other human being would be. And when we look at children, as people, too, we we help ourselves, as the adults stop framing their behavior, as misbehavior Nadi out to get me, they should have known better, therefore, because they’re doing it on purpose, and intentionally, they deserve to be punished. So we break out of that old, old, tired mindset. And we look at it as Hmm. So something about my request feels more like a demand. And I would almost start by saying that, does it feel like I’m making you do something? Do you feel like I’m bossing you around? Do you think you don’t have choice? Does it seem like it doesn’t matter what’s going on for you? And that you’re just supposed to do what I want you to do? I mean, if you were to ask those four questions of a child, I’m pretty sure one of them is going to hit the you know, the jackpot. Yes, you always make me do what you want to do. Yes. You never listened to my side, Mom, it’s always about you. You know, those are usually the responses that you’ll get, and it’ll be like, Oh, my gosh, I had no idea that was your experience of me. You know, I’m just trying to keep the house running. I’m just trying to keep everybody you know, getting to bed on time. I’m just trying to, you know, move through the day. The last thing I want you to do is feel like I’m bossing you around, because I don’t think moms and dads feel like they’re doing that. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think that’s our intention.
Real Happy Mom 9:36
Yeah, no, and when you say that I am, I’m laughing a little bit because I know that I’ve gotten that response that you know, oh, you keep telling me what to do. And I’m like, Well, I just need
to, like, yeah, that’s the whole thing is that there’s such a breakdown, like moms and dads are in the land of like efficiency, getting everything in before bedtime. We Have our eye on the clock, we have a bigger, you know, sense of time management. And they don’t, they have no idea. So it’s really their experience honest experience of you know, you’re just bossing me around. And it’s like, oh, my gosh, we have a breakdown here. That is so not what I’m wanting to do. I’m just wanting to keep this boat afloat. And for us to get to all the destinations during the course of the day that we need to help me out with that. And to help me out with that part, turns it into a collaborative problem solve. And that really is like, where we’re going, we’re going to the point where you spend the time, you know, sometimes you have to slow down to go fast, and slowing down to create that connection. That sense of them being seen, heard and understood by you. What is their perspective, gives them an opportunity to feel so seen, so heard, so understood from their perspective that they can stop, see here and understand you from your perspective. It’s modeling, we model how to do that by showing them what it looks like. And honoring them with our pause, to take the time to see hear and understood from their perspective, what it’s like for them to be on our train. And they may not understand that we’re just trying to get stuff done.
Real Happy Mom 11:22
Yeah, yeah. And one thing that I learned from you from last episode was just expressing my feelings to my son. So like, when I have hard days at work, I’ll tell him I’m like, look like Mommy had a hard day those people get on my nerves, because he tells me you’re getting. So I told him, I’m like, look like I had a hard day they were getting on my nerves. Like, I’m just really just like, I just need a minute. And like, it was amazing. Like, it was like, just like, Okay, mommy. All right, I’ll give you a minute. And I’m like her like. Yes. And so I will heartwarming now. Now, my, my struggle is with school, like you have to go to school, just like Mommy has to go to work. Like, he understands the concept. But at the same time, it’s like, yeah, no, like, I don’t want to go. And so the other thing that I’ve learned from someone else, is that, just like how you said that they’re saying no to something, but yes to something else. So I was told to like question an X like, Okay, why, like, what’s going on? Is it someone bothering you? Do you feel uncomfortable, like, those kinds of things, but I wasn’t really getting, I felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere. It was just, I don’t want to go, I don’t like it. And so I guess the question is, when we feel like we’re hitting a brick wall, like we’re not really getting anywhere, is there any questions or any other way that you would come about it so that you can start to kind of get to the bottom of things and figure out what’s going on with their kid?
Yeah, you know, it’s interesting, because the rule of thumb is that if someone is in a problem zone, so we’ll say that the child who’s not wanting to go to school, they’re going to problem zone. There’s something going on, there is a problem for them. And when you start to like help them with questions, their experiences that they are being interrogated. So actually, we would say that questions are not your best tool, because the person isn’t necessarily able to answer the questions. Because it may be an emotional experience for them that they’re not really able to explain yet. And so the question actually is experienced as a roadblock. It’s almost like you’re cutting off communication, rather than getting more connected, you’re getting more disconnected. And so the wondering about, like, I wonder what’s going on, you know, sometimes you can guess. And you might have like, an intuitive sense of what it is. I mean, for me, based on just a little bit you told me it sounds like you have a child who really values choice. He really values choice and he really values self direction. He doesn’t value outer direction so much. And he’s being outer directed all day long at school, other people are telling him what to do, when to do it, where to go, you know what? Everything. So I would take a wild guess that he is not experiencing the sense of autonomy and self direction that he would appreciate. That’s going to be my guess. So if you were to say to him, you know, it seems like you really are on the money right now. Is he the kid that loves self direction? Automata voice? Yes. Not everybody does. Some kids like to be told what to do. They feel safer that way. They like to know what the container is and that they can work within it. And so for them, it’s just great to have that space. structure. So I know what’s expected. I know how to meet expectations, I feel good. When I meet expectations, these kids thrive. Then we have our autonomous children who would prefer to be, you know, really drumming to their own beat, following their own sense of rightness, and it’s irritating to have someone telling them what to do all day. It’s like a violation of their sense of self, right? I want to be self directed, I want to be autonomous, I want to have choice. And I go to that place called school, and I lose all of that. So my guess is that you would start with that conversation? You know, I’m just wondering, you would start by just saying, you know, I’m just wondering, having thought about it a little bit. I’m just noticing how much you enjoy autonomy and self direction. Is it hard for you to meet your needs for autonomy and self direction at school? Are other people telling you what to do all the time?
Real Happy Mom 16:04
Got it. Got it? No, those are? That’s good. I like that one better than the other questions I was asking. Because it was like, Matt, right. banging my head on the wall. Wow, I’m getting anywhere.
Yeah, well, it seems like you know, we can always do like the hierarchy of needs, and we can imagine which if their needs are not being met. And so you know, kind of like that review from the last time I think we might have spoken a little bit more about that is that behaviors are reflections of needs being met or unmet. So when people’s needs are met, you know it, they’re really like happy go lucky. They feel light, and joyful. And when their needs are not being met, they’re resistant. They’re, you know, grind their little feet in, like something isn’t meeting their needs. And so we can start to wonder what is it psychological safety and security? Is it needs for blogging is it needs for autonomy? I mean, we can just wonder which of those needs are not being met? Because kids don’t know yet what their own needs are. Until we teach them.
Real Happy Mom 17:03
Yeah, definitely. In and I love how you brought up the hierarchy of needs, because I didn’t even think about it that way, either. But that can definitely is is another way that I can go to as well with talking with them, but you shared, you know, axing, you know, what are sorry, actually, you know, if they’re saying no to something, they’re saying yes to something else. So if I figured out what they’re saying yes to, then I’m pretty sure that we can start to defuse that fight pretty quickly. Got it. Okay.
You got it? Yeah. So what are they saying? Yes to, you know, I give an example, in my trainings, where there’s just a typical conversation, you know, where a mom is saying, Could you pick your toys up, it’s time for dinner, and the child just completely ignores mom. And so then mom goes into the typical routine would be, if you don’t pick your toys up, no dessert. So we go into the lands of rewards and punishment and inducing changes of behavior based on the old idea of it’s what I do to you, that makes you change your behavior. So first, she tries no dessert. And then she tries, you know, other things like, you know, no TV. And you know, it just keeps going, we just keep increasing what we’re going to do to you to get you changing your behavior. And this idea is, first of all dangerous for us to start teaching children that it’s about what other people do to you, that makes you change your behavior. We want children to change their behavior on the basis that they want to either see that the behavior is better for them. So they choose the change, because it makes sense. And it’s like, yeah, actually, that that does make sense. Or we want them to learn how to be considered of us, or the other members of the family. And something that’s going on. I think those are really the reasons is would that make sense to you?
Real Happy Mom 19:00
Yeah, definitely, definitely. Because I know that I’ve been having more conversations with my oldest like, like I was telling you before, just like, really being honest with him, and just like talking to him, because it’s funny how, like, he understands a lot more than I think. And the biggest thing is he I love him to pieces, but he leaves things like he will start like opening something and then leave it and then move to the next thing. Like he’s always in the middle of things and keeps going. And so yes, I’m that Mom, that’s like, pick up your stuff. Like, let’s go. And so finally I asked him, like, what is going on? And you know, like, why can’t you like put these things away? And he’s just like, oh, you know, I just forget. I’m like, Well, I step on your stuff and then I hurt my foot. And he’s like, Well, I don’t mean to so once I said that, then it like click like, oh, like Mommy doesn’t want to hurt her foot. So I guess I should move my stuff out of the way. So now it’s not all over. It’s just like in a corner all over. Nice. Yeah, I’m getting better.
Oh, that’s Amazing. I mean, you’re just like you got it girl, like you basically told him, You know, I’m not trying to just like manipulate your change you I’m just trying to not get hurt myself. And when he understood that your request was because you’re trying to meet your needs for safety, security, whatever you want to call it, then it was like, oh, yeah, wow, I had no idea that you were tripping over my stuff. And out of consideration for you, he was trying to change his own behavior. Right. So I mean, we’re into this land of well, do people change their behavior, in this case, out of consideration for mom and not wanting mom to get hurt? Or do they change their behavior, because somebody made me feel like, I get, oh, it might be better for me to change my behavior. So we talk about it as either the net tangible effect is on somebody else, their behavior is having a net tangible health effect on somebody else like you. Or we just think it’s better for him, for him to change his behavior. And we’re able to describe it to him in such a way that he also agrees, you know what, that is a better way. For me, I think I’ll change my behavior, because I’m choosing it. And this is where that idea of other people don’t make me do anything. But I can choose to change my behavior. That is so incredibly important. Because if you live in the world that makes you do stuff because other people make you then you’re living in the land of a lack of accountability. Like I’m not choosing it, I’m not, I’m not making the choice in the decision, I lack of complete accountability for my behavior, other people make me do it. And we don’t want children living in that land, or any other human being living in the land of lack of accountability. Because once we start to go down that slippery slope, we also start to be accountable for our feelings. And we start to blame other people for how we feel as if they caused it. So accountability is so big. It’s like the road divides. And we live either in the camp of, well, look what you did to me, you made me feel this way. blame, blame, blame, blame blame for you know, I’ve got some feelings about this, I’m noticing what’s coming up for me. And I really would like to, you know, have a conversation. So each one wants to address the world, like we’re in a dance with the other people on the planet. And we have inter relationships, and we impact each other our experiences impact one another. And I want to talk about what’s going on for me, not from a place of you make me feel but from a place of Oh, wow, I’ve got all these feelings coming up. You know, I think we need to talk about this.
Real Happy Mom 22:56
Yeah, yeah, I love all of that. And the other thing that I’ve learned from you, too, is a lot of, you know, you got to change yourself before you try to get your kids to change. So I’m just wondering is, as moms in particular who are listening, you know, okay, we’re starting to slow down so that we can connect, is there any other things that you can think of that we need to start to do so that we can start that connection and to defuse a lot of these fights that we’re having?
Yeah. Well, I think that, you know, we’re onto something when we just take a minute. And, you know, sense, am I beginning to tell myself the story, that this person who I’m asking to do something is in intentionally defying me, you know, is there any negative there? So I mean, when we do our pause, it’s really a pause for us to kind of like, just do a little self screening. Like, what am I telling myself about what’s going on here? What’s my internal dialogue? Because if I’ve got feelings that are coming up, I’m generating those feelings. Nobody else is making me feel I’m generating those feelings based on what I think they should be doing. So there’s a should in there. So I’m stopping to understand what my shortlist is. Because we all know our shitless are like dangerous, because as soon as we start having a big long should, and somebody breaks the rules that we may not have even told them are the rules, like one of the rules, maybe we think is you should just do what I tell you. So that’s a good one to get out, like, Wow, do I have this underlying belief that children should just do what I tell them to that they should be obedient and compliant? So I would just pause there and say, is that going on? Is there something about this rule that children are to be obedient and compliant that’s coming up that might be part of what’s happening right now? Is there any of that going on for you?
Real Happy Mom 25:04
I know I do have a should this I am like, honestly, like, I think about myself because I even had a conversation with my sister. And I was like, I don’t remember my mom like playing with me so much like my kids want to play with me all the time. And I just remember, it’s like, following instructions. And these kids are not listening to me. I’m like, they shouldn’t be listening, like, what is going on? Like, is it something in the water? Do we eat something different? Like, what’s going on? I just and I know, I’m comparing myself to how I grew up and how things were, which is what we all do. Yes. So that is like one thing that I know, I have to like, let that go. Like, first of all, they’re boys, we’re girls, and we’re totally different households and how we grew up. So I’m trying to,
there’s so many differences. And you work? Yes. And you work. So just knowing that you are not, as was your mom around more than you are. She,
Real Happy Mom 25:58
she worked a lot to my both my parents, they worked a lot, but I just feel like it was the more the authoritative household. So I just did what I was supposed to do. And I kept it moving. But yeah, she was always busy doing something somewhere.
Because that would be the other thing that I would say, you know, we can do sort of the preventative model. And the preventative model is, are you spending enough one on one time with your kids, that their cups are full. And one of the ways that we do that is we basically make appointments with them, so that we tell them, you know, I miss spending one on one time with each of you. And every day, I’m going to set 20 minutes aside, so that we can have the time that I want to have at least doing something that you want to do. So child directed activities, 20 minutes one on one. And you start to do that, I’d be curious to see if that starts to also change, because kids that want attention, haven’t got their cups filled. And they would like to have any attention negative or positive, it’s better than nothing. So they might create more negative attention, if they’re able to get that. And so if we don’t want them to have to do that anymore, as a solution to their problem, then we just plan to give them that one on one everyday 20 minutes. And they get to direct what we’re going to do. And they can know that it’s coming, that they you value them and you give them your most precious commodity your time.
Real Happy Mom 27:39
Yes, yes, definitely got to kind of implement that when I said I was gonna do it, and I have it. And just one really quick thing. So I remember how I said that. I talked to my sister and I’m like, I don’t remember playing with my mom all the time. Like why did these kids want to play with me? And I said the same thing to my mom was like, Mom, I don’t remember you when wanting to play like all the time. She was like, Yeah, we did play all the time.
Real Happy Mom 28:03
Throw that out there in case anyone’s listening think my mom’s terrible. Like no, she was well, especially your
mom. Lets you know in the case of this podcast, we are calling out that mom did play all the time. I
Real Happy Mom 28:14
remember like playing Barbie dolls with her. I remember being with my sisters. I don’t remember being where her but I just feel like my kids are like Megan, and I’m just like, can’t y’all play with yourself? Like, well, yeah,
good play. I know, you know, it is we want them to have the ability to play with themselves and to play with each other so that it’s a little bit more balanced. And there’s not such an overwhelming sense of Oh, my goodness, am I the only one here that can make your needs for connection and belonging and all the rest of it met. It’s a lot of work if it is, but my experience is that they do actually have a threshold. And once you meet it, they want to know you’re there. But it vacillates in terms of how much they actually, you know, really need you. And it changes. And it can be different at different times as well. And a lot of families, you know, they may have a child that has more needs, and does require more time, and then they’ll start to feel guilty that they don’t have more time for the other kids. And that one is getting more than someone else. And that’s where I like to say as long as everybody’s needs are met, it doesn’t necessarily mean that everybody gets the 20 minutes, maybe somebody needs 45 And somebody else is really good with 15 not every day but some days and or somebody is really meeting their other needs with buddies and you know, other stuff that they’re doing with other people. It varies.
Real Happy Mom 29:46
Definitely and you made me think about the whole quality versus quantity concept there when you talk about that. I’m glad that you brought that up because I know I was I had those thoughts in my mind too because my youngest the little one he is like my shadow No, like, I literally had to tell him to go away twice, and the oldest. And sometimes I will feel guilty, like, oh, I spend so much time with a little one, I don’t. But again, I know that the oldest, he’s good, like, he doesn’t need me as much, but that little one, he needs me. And I know one day he’s gonna grow up, and he’s not going to be on mute. So I’m trying to
it’s one of those things. It’s like, you know, oh my gosh, I’m just like, loving the fact that I’m at this stage with this one right now. And nothing, you know, lasts forever. You know, I just came back from this event. And my son flew in and met us, and he’s 26. And it was so fun to spend three days together and have him I’m just like, Oh, I love my love being with family. You know what I mean? Just, it was so sweet. was just so sweet for us all to be together and just recognize that when they all grow up, you’re gonna look back thinking, Oh, I wish I had more time.
Real Happy Mom 31:02
Yes, I am definitely gonna start making sure that those cups are filled so that we can defuse those fights because I don’t want to have very many of them. Yeah,
it’s interesting how much that one on one time can begin. It pays dividends.
Real Happy Mom 31:17
Yes, and dividends. And when you brought up the whole negative behavior, I noticed that too, because the I have this thing where the kids are like saying these naughty words, and it drives me crazy. And then they do it to get your attention. And so I’m just like, okay, all right. That’s my signal. I got it. I gotta get on it. So yes,
yeah, it’s perfect. You know, I didn’t remember last time, we spoke about it. But a friend of mine had this one chair in her house that was really expensive and beautiful upholstery. And she said to her three boys, and she said to the boys, you know, you guys, if you’re upset or whatever, whatever you do, please don’t jump on this chair. So what would they do when they were upset? Jump on the chair, of course, absolutely. was the one absolute signal that they knew would deliver the message unequivocably that they were mad, and that they were upset and boom, they would get her attention right then?
Real Happy Mom 32:15
Oh, yes, they got my attention. As soon as you said it. I was like, Oh, yes.
Yeah, yeah. And I mean, when you have this perspective, that it’s a signal, and that they’re signaling to you through their behavior. And you begin to look at behavior as the manifestation of an unmet need. It’s a signaling behavior, it’s communicating something, that it’s not the problem, there’s a problem behind the problem. And you get curious about the source of the problem, rather than the symptom or the manifestation, where you know, the rewards and punishment model is concerned about the behavior, and children being socially acceptable, and presenting even when they’re upset in ways that are not upsetting to others. And it would be great, but rarely do children have the skill sets to be able to articulate. It’s so much faster to say the word that they know mom doesn’t want to hear or jump on the chair that they know mom doesn’t want them to jump on.
Real Happy Mom 33:18
Yes to all of that. And now, Kevin, I can talk to you for days. This is
good. No, it’s so fun.
Real Happy Mom 33:27
So good. But you have shared some really, really good tips are already I’m like, Okay, let’s go downstairs and try it out. So yeah, I am ready. So thank you. Thank you for sharing all this with us. And I promise you next time I report back, I will let you know how it’s going with the fights. Guys, and let you know that they have gone from like here down to here. So
I’m sure it’s gonna happen to
Real Happy Mom 33:51
Yes, yes. Now, really quick. If there’s anyone listening that wants to connect with you learn more about you hear more of what you have to share? Where can we find you online?
Perfect. So you can go to Catherine celery.com. And if you go to Catherine celery.com, we’ve got like the free ebook on the seven habits and ways to keep the fights down. So there are lots of strategies there. And there’s some good things on different webinars that I have posted on three common mistakes that parents make. And I’m not really sure if this is going to go out soon or not. But I do have a five day parenting reboot from the 13th to the 17th of September, which is just, you know, a great way for parents to tune in every day for an hour and get some coaching and support around some of the big ideas.
Real Happy Mom 34:42
Awesome, awesome. Yes, I will be sure to make sure to include all of your other links to connect with you but for sure that is a good place to start. I kept calm so I will include all that in the show notes. Again, thank you. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing this with us. have you to thank you
yes have a great rest of your weekend
Real Happy Mom 35:11
Now that does it for this episode of The Real happy mom podcast to find the links in the show notes make sure you head over to Real happy mom.com/onesixtyonethere You’ll find the links in the things that were mentioned here in this episode and if you haven’t already please please please leave me a five star rating and review this helps me out more than you know in our be so, so grateful if you did that now. Make sure you stay tuned.
Unknown Speaker 35:37