Raising awesome kids is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Partly because it is the only job that you don’t get an instruction manual when you start. And because every child is different and requires different approaches and needs.
As result, every family is different. But you can still have a family success story without doing things the way everyone else does. That is what this episode is all about. In this episode with my guest Nellie, she shares:
- Her story of how she even got started by helping other families with gaining that success in their families
- How we can start to develop our own family fingerprint and create a manual for our own families
- How we can begin to use the self-discipline leadership with our kids so that they can begin to grow into awesome human beings that are happy and joyful
- About discipline, which is something that I know there can be a lot of controversy about but she brings some really great points
If you want to improve, strengthen or even start developing your family success story check out this episode.
Nellie is a Family Life & Leadership Coach that helps families build Leadership into the DNA of their family to elevate their family experience and set their kids up for a wildly successful future equipped with their greatness. She is a wife and mom to 4 daughters that are all in middle and high school now while also homeschooling for 7 years. She has a degree in biology and psychology and knows that the best way to help the world is through one living room at a time!
Connect with Nellie
- Website: https://www.nellieharden.com
- Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
- Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/
- Twitter: https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
- Challenge: https://www.nellieharden.com/challenge
- The Discipline Hacker Guide: https://www.nellieharden.com/disciplinehacker
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/
- Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
- FamFamily Architects Club (Facebook Group): https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project
- Website: https://www.nellieharden.com
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Transcript of this episode
Toni-Ann Mayembe 0:05
You are listening to the real hack mom podcast, the weekly podcast for busy working moms to get inspiration, encouragement and practical tips for this journey top motherhood. My name is Tony and in you are listening to Episode 179. Well, hey there and welcome back to another episode of The Real happy mom podcast. Super excited to have you back on this episode. Today I have my guests, Natalie and we are going to be talking about some things that you can be doing to set you up for success in your family, in particular with those kids of yours, because let’s just be honest, we have our kids. And we don’t leave home with a instruction manual that says this is how to take care of your child. And parenting is a really difficult job and really challenging, especially when you consider every child is different and unique. And you can’t do the same thing for one child that you do for another. So in this episode, Nellie is going to be sharing with us how we can start to write our own family success story. She shares with us her story on how she even got started with helping other families with gaining that success in their family. And then also she shares how we can start to develop our own family fingerprint, and create a manual for our own families. She shares with us how we can begin to use the self discipline leadership with our kids so that they can begin to grow into awesome human beings that are happy and joyful in also contributing to society and doing really awesome things. And then lastly, we talk about discipline, which is something that I know there can be a lot of controversy about but she brings some really great points that I really want to make sure that you hear about when it comes to discipline. So if you are wanting to get a little bit of help in this area, you definitely want to stay tuned to the full episode. Now he shares a lot of really great things. I will be honest with you. I took a ton of notes, and definitely went over some things with my husband works. We’re all done, because I wanted to make sure that my kids are set up for success. And I know you do too. So stay tuned to the full episode. Make sure that you take some notes like I did, because she gives a lot of really good stuff. All right, now let’s go ahead and jump into this week’s episode. All right, so today I have Nelly on the podcast. Welcome to the podcast, Nelly.
Oh, thank you so much. It’s such a pleasure to be here. I can’t wait for our conversation.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 2:41
Oh, yes. It’s always the good one here is especially with you. I know. It’s gonna be fun. But before we jumped into our topic, I just wanted you to share a little bit about you and what you do.
Yeah, so I am married for over 20 years now. And we have four daughters that are 1214 14 and 16. So I am in the thick of the second half of parenting right now. And we I have four kids and four and a half years. So it has been an adventure all the way through with having infertility for a couple years before that. So you know downswing up, swinging down, swinging up swinging, so, but that’s a tiny bit of my story. I’m from around the Detroit area in Michigan, we moved to the coast not too long ago on a dream and a wish. And we have loved it. So we live on the east coast of the United States. And for me, I have a I went to school and got a degree in biology and psychology. And I was actually going into marine mammal science and I did for a while and it was amazing. But believe it or not being out on a boat 24/7 and doing research is not conducive to family life, you know. So I lived the dream. And then I got a reality a bit of a reality check. I started doing things on land. And then I retired from all animal work in 2007, just in time to dive into human behavioral work, because my husband had a had a massive heart condition come up and we had to change our entire family within all the dynamics all of the disciplines all of the mindsets and everything around food and wellness and who we are and what we’re doing between 2008 2010 and then I started working with humans outside of the realm of my four walls in 2012. And I’ve been doing it ever since and helping families in multiple different ways, but especially set up the disciplines that are needed in order to help a healthy adults help the parents set their kids up for adulthood through the childhood experience through the 6005 underwritten 70 days of the childhood parenthood dynamic. So that is a tiny glimmer of what I do.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 5:06
And I don’t know if I told you this, but I was an environmental science major. Oh, yeah. And so I totally get the whole marine biology because like one of my professors were absolutely loved. She let me come on. What is she caught? It wasn’t a boat, or what is a boat? She called it a cruise. She kind of cruise says window. Yes, I know. It was one of those tiny boats marketed on there for three days. It was a really great experience. But like you said, like, yeah, you on that boat for a long, long time. And you’re away from people. So yeah, it was fine. But yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I was amazing. Yeah, I was, I was over in Australia for a little bit and Northern Australia. And we were doing humpback research. And, you know, you’d think you’d think that you were on this big vessel, right? Oh, no, we were on an inflatable. Like, you know, if I lay down, it would probably be to have me long and no bathroom board. So if you had to go to the bathroom, you had to jump overboard. And just pray that, you know, just had to go number one, because you’re wearing a wetsuit, you know? And so and you were out there for like 12 hours a day, but I loved it. I loved it. Loved it. Could I, you know, have done it for 40 years of a career? I don’t know. But it was a great experience.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 6:22
Yes. And then switching from marine mammal science to human behavior. That is an interesting shift, too. So I was just wondering, what got you interested in that?
Well, so I was studying behavior with, with the mammals. And so believe it or not, there’s a lot of congruence, a lot of similarities between the animal and human world. Of course, humans are more complex humanity itself is so complex. But it also, when I started working in the human realm, my first thing I ever did, actually, so my husband had to have heart surgery in 2010. It was kind of a last ditch effort, and we weren’t completely sure if he was going to make it or not. And so I was sitting in a waiting room with my four kids that were four and under not knowing if my husband was going to make it or not, it was April 2010. And then he didn’t make it, we’re still good. And he’s here. But it was a road. And then just five weeks after that, my daughter, one of my daughters, the twins had a non fatal drowning accident, and we didn’t know if she was going to make it. And so within five weeks of each other, we had these two massive events on the tail end of two years of like everyday, massive events with his heart. And so it really was 2010 was such a pivotal year for me to say, both of us, my husband and I to say, Okay, we know time is limited. My dad died when I was one. And so I’ve always kind of known that. But it was we were reminded in a big way. And we didn’t want to just keep going with the herd. And just keep going with the shoulds. And I remember one time when I when I had four girls, I had this gaggle of girls, and they’re like, you aren’t in travel gymnastics, and she’s three years old. And I was like, No. And they’re like, Oh, she needs to be in gymnastics. And I was like, okay, and I was like, looking back on that I’m like, Why did I call the gymnastics place the next day and be like, Oh, my gosh, I’m so behind. She’s three, you know. And so we really just had this awakening moment and being like, you know, what, we don’t have to follow the shoulds? And what do we actually want to get out of life? What do we want our kids to carry out of childhood into adulthood? And what do we want to get out of this parenthood experience, and learn and grow. And so it really just was a pivot to looking inward on our own behaviors and how we wanted to do that. But also looking at the animal world and going, Wait a second, what is childhood childhood, the entire purpose of childhood? You know, there’s a lot of emotions that go into it. But, you know, going out looking from the, you know, 30,000 foot view, the purpose of childhood is to equip them for adulthood. And that is what we’re doing, and all the best ways, and it doesn’t mean that we’re, you know, manufacturing CEOs of companies. I don’t think that that’s what success means. I don’t think that that’s what leadership, you know, means it could mean that but it’s not, you know, direct relationship, but we want to raise confident, wise, respectful young women that are ready to take on the world. And that’s what we’re doing. And that’s what I teach others to do, too.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 9:41
Yes, yes. And this kind of is a perfectly way into what I wanted to talk to you about today is the whole concept that you know, is as mothers but we’re not given a book that says here, this is how you’re going to take care of your child. This is what you need to do for your child, like specifically tailored for your child because you know, everyone’s different Yeah, and so bear in it is one of those learning on the job experiences that it’s like lifelong, I feel like. So one of the things that I feel like a lot of times we, we tend to struggle with is parents is, is discipline in particular, and then also setting our kids up for success. Because I think a lot of times, we’re just scared that we’re like, oh, God, I don’t want to traumatize my child, or have them in therapy for like, something that I did to them. So I’m just wondering, How can parents set their kids up for success, especially in this complicated world?
Well, I think that goes back to the very first part of your question is understanding that your family has a unique fingerprint that never has been and never will be again. And so when you can understand that your family is your family, your dynamic, what the parents bring in, what you’re trying to deliver the different personalities of the kids, and the dynamic between all of you guys, that is very, very unique. And when you can see that uniqueness, then you can drop the comparison to other families. And I know when I first started getting into coaching, and by that I mean, getting coached as a parent and just looking into you know, okay, well discipline, you know, how do I do this? And how do I do that. And I remember this one time, in particular, I went to two events two days in a row. And the first one I went to was all about spanking, and I’m an 80s kid, I was totally spanked, that was paddled, you know, and all these things. And so anyway, I go to this one, and it was all about spanking, and it was it was a pro spanking. And they were like, You got to spank, you got to do this, it is quick, it is effective. And then you need to mend the fences. And this is what you should do, there’s that should you know, this is what you should do to all your kids. The next day, I go to another talk, they just happened to be two in a row that that week. And it was, of course, you should never spank your kids. That is terrible. And I was like, What is a parent to do? And so when I started really paying attention, like over well, over a decade ago, when I started really paying attention, taking notes, doing observations, doing research, diving back in to my biology, psychology, background, with human eyes a little bit more, but still behavioral, behaviorally focused. I was like, exactly what you said, there is no book that you get at the hospital or you know, when you get pregnant or whatever that are adopt and, and that says, Here you go, now you have all the answers. But the fact is, we do need a manual, we absolutely do need a manual, but you need a manual for your family and your family only. And that is what is so imperative to build. And so like in the work I do, and what I think is so important is teaching parents and the whole family together, the skill sets that they can then use in order to make a unique book that by the time, you know, I’m done with you, or what if if every family could walk away with a book that was like, Okay, I got this in this situation, you know, this is what we need to do, because we talked about this, we agreed on this, or whatever that is for your family, you know what to do in this situation. So the parents can be the experts on their own kids, which I think is so empowering and so important. And when you take the parents out of the picture, and, for example, I know that there’s a lot of and, you know, God bless them. I think it’s wonderful. But there’s a lot of team coaches out there that just that just the coach and just the teen and the parents stay home. And I think that that can be detrimental then, but definitely in the long run. And I think about this popped into my head when picture at 1992 were the the Gulf War had just really escalated. And my parents for whatever reason, were like I we hadn’t gone to church in a long time, long, long, long time. And my parents for whatever reason, were like, Oh, well, we got to go to church. Now you need to get your first communion in your confirmation, even though you’re in seventh grade, and these kids are in first that’s fine. It’s not embarrassing, you’ll be fine. And so I go there, and they dropped me off and they go to Target and I was like, What are you doing? Like, well, what what I Why am I here and you aren’t, you know? And so that just reminds me, you know, if you’re if you’re putting the kid through it, it needs to be an immersive family experience or it’s not going to stick right. And I can tell you it didn’t stick that day. I got my confirmation and I was you know, five feet tall and everybody else three feet tall. I was pee You know, and so anyway, the whole family work is very important. But finding that unique balance for you, I’m sorry, that unique book so that you know how to be the expert on your own kids is so important.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 15:14
Yes. And you brought up one thing that I really wanted to kind of unpack a little bit and you said that, you know, you help with understanding those skills that you need to create that own manual for your unique family. So I’m wondering, is there some basic skills that you feel like as parents that we need to have in order to create that manual for our family? Whether it be like communication, or whatever the case is? Like, what are some of those basic things that would be really helpful make our lives a lot easier?
Yes, absolutely. So when, when I start working with a family, I think it’s really important to start with the end. So when I mostly work with families in the second half of childhood, so that’s the nine to 18 timeframe. So in the first half of parenthood, you are building for your kids, you’re building that foundation for them, right, you are establishing the home, you’re establishing connection, you’re establishing boundaries, and all of that, but once they turn nine, there is that’s the first great pivot and parenting, and that’s a lot of peace right there. And so that’s the first grade pivot. And that is when you start instead of working, I’m sorry, not working. But well, let’s be honest, you’re kind of working for them. But instead of building for them, you’re building with them. And so that pivot needs to happen. And it becomes a dual effort at that point, like nine to 18, that’s a dual effort of parenting, you are still the leader, you are still the parent, for sure. But they start really taking on some of that responsibility. The the method that I do is coined it’s called self discipline to leadership. And it’s really important to have for these four bodies of it, there is vision, right casting vision. And that, you know, starts with the goals, it starts with a parent, understanding the inevitable impacts that are happening within the home, those things that are your child will be impacted with no matter if you do them great. You do them terribly, you don’t do them at all these impacts are going to happen. And I always use the, you know, the the instance of my dad, my dad who passed away when I was one, he was one of the most influential people of my childhood. But he passed away when I was one, right. So those impacts happened even though he wasn’t physically there. And so the the impacts that are happening, the core beliefs, your value system that you have, right, the perspectives and mindset cycles, all of that really goes into vision, and then we have discipline. And their discipline just means teaching. And if you would have asked me, you know, 1520 years ago with discipline as I would have been like the green paddle, the wooden paddle, the spanking, you know, the yelling. And that’s not what discipline is, those are consequences. Those are sometimes punishments depending on how they’re being delivered. But that we need to figure out how to discipline our kids in a way that they are learning how to discipline themselves. And there will be consequences. Of course, there’s consequences, because that’s life. And we’re humans, and there’s consequences to our behaviors. But learning how to decipher that discipline versus consequence, when to use what and how to use it, I have four kids that are four corners of a square, so different, and I have to discipline them all differently. So the fair word, the F word, the fair word is not allowed in that house, because I’m like, life isn’t fair. And, you know, I have one kid that if you look at them cross eyed, they’re like, Okay, and then I have one kid that if you look at him cross eyed, they’ll just look at your back cross eyed, you know, so they’re all different. And then so there’s a vision, there is discipline, there is vulnerability, which is a huge piece for parents to learn and practice. And in there comes that communication piece, which is vital communication, learning how to communicate learning how to communicate in a way that they will actually hear you. Sometimes it can feel like with your kid that you’re speaking two different languages and just like voicing over one another, and there’s not any actual communication happening, it’s just noise in speaking, and nothing gets solved. And tone and body language and time management, even like how to respect time in there. And then the last piece of that is resilience, because we’re all going to fall down many, many, many times and we need to always learn how to rise back up. And so those are the four like overarching pieces of what self self discipline leadership looks like and how to equip them for adulthood. that we work with.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 20:01
Nice, nice. I love all of that in. You brought up a couple of things like one eight like, yeah, and discipline. It was funny because when you said that I was like, oh, yeah, like, are we doing the gentle parenting technique? Are we doing this? Are we going to be nice to them? Are we going to have to bring out like you said, bring out the belt and all that so they can get spankings. But yeah, belt I forgot the belt. Yeah, yeah, that was that was the fun way. I, it was my friends that you talked about about I never got about. I always get when I have bad friends. I just realized that. But yeah, with discipline, I think that’s one thing that is a big misconception is that oh, it means like, you know, I have to put him in timeout, or they have to get a spanking. But you write up something that it’s more than just that it’s just teaching. And I wanted you to talk to us a little bit more about this one? Because I think, again, like I said, that it is a really big misconception that oh, yeah, like, I got to, you know, spank my child, or I have to put them in timeout, or whatever the case is, but I’m just wondering, you know, for moms that are listening, you know, what are some of the ways that we can start to set our kids up, because you brought up a good point that discipline is, is there to, to help them and also said that they can learn how to discipline themselves. So just learning like, what kind of ways we can be more effective with our disciplining? And I guess, a lot of it, I think, I know, you’re gonna probably get and say, it’s kind of customized for the child and understanding your child. But, you know, what are some of the ways that we can get better at disciplining so that it’s effective?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, number one, which is a hard one for me, too. So if you’re listening to this, and you’re like, Oh, she must be, you know, calm, little, you know, Nancy would know, I am not calm, but you need to stay calm. And I come from a family of high tempers. And so, you know, I, that’s what I saw growing up, that’s what I can easily go to. But you always need to remember, and, you know, speaking to myself, you’re to that they are a mirror of what you do much, much, much, much, much more than they are a mirror of what you say. And so if you’re yelling at them to get off the counter, or why did you do that thing that I told you not to do? 9000 times and now you hurt your sister, you know, whatever that is. And you’re just yelling, they’re just seeing your actions, your words are like, won’t won’t won’t want you to get a little Ferris Bueller going on. And so I’m really trying to stay calm. So that’s the first thing you want to be calm. And it might kill you a little bit at first, but you got to be calm. Once they’re out of the room, you can do your little like frustrated dancer, whatever, get, get some cathartic action going on. But stay calm. The next thing really is to be curious, you want to be curious about why they are doing the behavior that they’re doing. So many times, right, the most sensitive parts of kids lash out in the most drastic ways. And they’re just trying to look for something they’re looking for validation, they’re looking for worth, they’re looking for attention. But why are they looking for attention? Right? So being curious about what is going on? Why they made the decisions they did? Now, you’re gonna I can hear the thought bubbles in or see the thought bubbles going? Yeah, but when we’re 20 minutes and trying to get out the door, and they haven’t put their shoes on for the 900th time I’ve told them to. I don’t have time to sit there and say little Johnny, why are you so you know, I’m curious why you’re feeling this way. And I get that, get them in the car, and then have the conversation, right? And so a part of that, too, is being vulnerable to saying how you’re feeling right? And so before you boil over, just say, You know what, I am getting really frustrated right now. And I really need you to listen to me, okay, I was I serve with a bunch of teens in the community. And this past week, we were doing an entire workshop on parenting. But then we flipped it on them. And so it was more like a child thing, not a word, but we’re gonna go with it. And so, you know, how are you being effective as a child in the raising of you, right? Because it’s their responsibility to and you can’t just put it all on the on the parents. And that is a real wake up call for for kids. And I thought it was a couple of things were really interesting. We brought up the fact that when you don’t listen, and when you’re being so defiant, you’re actually wounding your parent because they love you so much, and you’re wounding them. And that was somewhat or somebody mentioned that and I just saw these kids faces like, oh, I don’t want to like wound my mom. She’s super annoying sometimes, but I don’t want to wound her you know? And so it was a little bit of a wake up call. But another thing that can kept coming up as we have kids in there from six to 12. And one of the girls in there was turning 18 And two days. And it was very interesting because she said, the closer that, you know, two days, I’m going to be, you know, quote unquote, adult. She’s finishing her her senior year of high school, and then she’s moving out. And she said, the closer I’ve gotten to being 18, the more I’ve tried to hang on every word, my parents are telling me even when I disagree with them, even when I’m maybe a little frustrated, because I know that this time is coming to an end, and I will not have their leadership and guidance, literally in you know, the living room anymore for the rest of my life. And so I, that was a real wake up call to a lot of the students as well. And maturity was the other one that kept coming up. You have like, Chuck, this, this childhood experience is this map to maturity. And our that’s what our parents are your parents are trying to do parents are trying to do is build this map to maturity for our kids. So yes, number one, stay calm. Number two, be curious. And number three, communicate how you’re feeling, right? And then you just want to be able, if there’s a consequence, there’s a consequence, but have the consequence fit the crime, right, and you don’t need to blow everything out of proportion, and then just move on, right? And it doesn’t have to be the entire day is ruined, because this one thing happened. That’s that resilience piece, right? We need to be able to acknowledge it, do something about it, and move on.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 26:41
No, I like all of that. And it’s funny when you were saying that, I remember, there was an episode I did with Catherine winter celery. And she talked about how a lot of times kids will try to get your attention. And they’ll do things that will just set you off just because they’re trying to get your attention. So she brought up the example of I don’t know if it was her or someone else that had a chair and they the kids know, do not touch that chair, don’t mess with that chair. So whenever I guess they wanted to really push mom’s button, they would go and like sit on the chair right on the chair laying on the chair, like everything was with this chair just for the attention. But they know like any other day. They don’t mess with the chair. So I love how you said like, be curious and like ask the questions, because a lot of times we just assume like they’re just not doing what they’re supposed to because I don’t know. They think just terrible kids. Yeah. And so like, it’s so funny, because like you said, like, stay calm. So like my new thing is like, I’m like constantly praying throughout the day, cuz I’m like, I don’t want to mess this up. So I’m like, I’ll just have like, Jesus helped me. And so now I see my little, my little one, he’ll be doing something. But Jesus helped me he’s helped me and this is it’s totally true about what you said about how they mirror what you do. So I’m like, Okay, I need to like, not look like a crazy person sitting over here saying, Jesus help me all. Angeles, I love it. I know what I’m just like, I don’t want to mess them up. And I think that’s a lot of like, what a mom say like, they don’t want to ruin their kids. And they don’t want to set them up for failure. So I guess my next question for you is how are parents setting their kids up for failure when they’re actually trying to do the opposite of that? Because I know we’re trying but tell us like I know there’s some things that we’re doing that we we need to be reminded of so help us with this when Nellie
right so I’d say the first one is over control. And I struggle with this one I am a like, I am a type A and when things need to go I like to plan when we have to do something but not being that parent. That’s like Okay, so you need to do this right now. You need to do this right now. You need to do this right now. Right? They are their own people. And that is really hard for many parents. I’m raising my hand myself to always understand is that you are raising people, right? You are raising future adults, they are not your kids. They are not your mini me’s they are not you know, you 2.0 they are their own people. And learn again learning and being curious about that and getting to know this unique individual that you have the honor privilege and pleasure to bring into this world as a functioning joy filled project productive adult is a blessing. And so just being more curious about that. There’s two parenting labels, if you will, that have really come out of the woodwork recently. And there’s of course the helicopter parenting which we’ve heard a lot about, right? You’re always hovering you know, you’re always above what do you do now? What are you doing now? Well, what are you doing now? Do you think you should be doing that? What are you doing now? And so when you’re doing that you never give them the opportunity? To be curious about life themselves to fail, they like this is their training zone childhood is a training zone for adults, for them to be an adult. And if they don’t fall down here and learn how to get back up, then when they fall down out there, they’re not going to know how to get back up, right? We want to give them as many experiences in the childhood experience in the childhood zone in order to prepare them like like Driver’s Ed, right? You by the time they are in the car by themselves with you not in the passenger seat having a heart attack every two seconds. Been there. And so but by the time they’re alone out there, you want them to know how to respond to when the ambulances are passing, when it is raining outside, when there’s snow, if you live by snow, when you know, they’re slippery conditions. And when you know, if an accident does happen, what do I do then? Like do we freeze up? Do we just scream? Do we get in the fetal position on the driver floor? No, like you, you want to give them as many experiences in here in this childhood zone as possible. So if you’re always hovering, being that helicopter parent, you’re not you’re doing them a disservice. And frankly, yourself, because when they call you at 1819 22, I don’t know 54. And they’re like, I don’t know what to do. And, you know, I see this all the time, I see parents of kids in their 20s 30s 40s that still do their taxes for them. You know, I see parents of kids in their 20s 30s 40s that if they’re having a having trouble in their marriage or their relationship, they go to their parents so their parent can talk to their spouse, and I’m like, what is happening here, you know, and so we’re really needing to give them many experiences. So that’s helicopter parenting, the other one is a lawnmower parent. And so that is more nuanced. But that really is you are, the child is behind and the parent is in front with a lawn mower, clearing out any obstacle that could come their way they want them to have the easiest path going forward. Like no weeds coming up, like nothing, no trip hazards, right? Nice, easy, super easy going. Now, as a parent, you I mean, it’s never ever, ever fun to see your kid fall down ever. It’s awful. And it hurts. But you need to do that now. So that they you, you can teach them how to stand back up. It’s okay, dust off your knees, it’s gonna hurt life isn’t fair, right? And you will get hurt. Sometimes we are never, ever guaranteed not to get hurt. I don’t know, you know, whoever thought that we weren’t or were but we’re never guaranteed to not get hurt in life. And we need to be able to teach that to them too. And it’s that resilience piece in the discipline to see an obstacle, see a problem, have them come up with a solution for it and come to the other side with an accomplishment. And that accomplishment can look like a quote unquote, failure. Because that is what experimenting, you know, does if, oh, well, I see that. You know,
I have a big test coming up. And I’m going to try this study method. And well, that didn’t work. I didn’t get the grade I wanted. But next time I know better, right? And it’s always this fail forward mentality. So teaching that failure is good. And okay. And part of life is essential to them, too. So I would say those three things, really just teaching failure, clearing all the obstacles and really being that hovering parent above and watching everything.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 33:45
Yes, yes. And it’s funny that you say that because at work, I see all of those parents. I love them. So when you’re saying that I was like, yep, yep. Yep. And it’s crazy, because I’ll see like, is one of my favorite patients. He’s like, 50 years old, and his mom still comes to his appointments, fills out his paperwork and pays for his appointments, which I’m like, it’s not like he’s like has like, you know, health issues or mental health issues or things like that. That’s preventing No mommy just takes care of Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
And that’s also a reflection of what’s happening on her heart. Right there’s, there’s, she has this codependency need if someone needs me, therefore I have purpose and, and so working with her that’s that is a perfect example of why working with the entire family is so crucial. And the first part of the work that I do and going with core values and core beliefs. It’s really amazing to dive into the core beliefs that parents have that they’re accidentally bringing into parenting that they don’t really want to bring in, right, but it’s just under the surface that they have it from their own 6570 experience their own first 6570 phase of life, their childhood, and they’re bringing them in. And they’re like, I will not, you know, I will not do this like my parents did. I will not do this like my parents did. I’m totally doing this like my parents did, right? And so when you can bring awareness to the luggage that someone is bringing in, it’s so much more apt that they can drop it and be much more cognizant of when they’re trying to pick it back up again, we’re like, nope, nope, nope, we’re, we’re gonna leave that there.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 35:29
Yes, yes, this is so good. So good. Now that you have given us so many gems, I’m sitting over here taking notes like crazy, this was so good. I’m definitely going to have to talk to my husband after this one and be like, have a little sit down to chat about this. But because I really, I really see now like, there’s a lot of things that, at least for me that we’re doing that we can definitely tweak it and make it a lot better. And especially since like I was telling you earlier that my oldest is nine now. He’s definitely at that age where I’m like, okay, like, we got to set him up, because I like to call him efficient. My husband calls him lazy. But I just think that he likes to do things very efficiently. So he doesn’t like zippers, buttons, anything that requires extra effort in his life, and like in school, everything. So it’s just like, now I’m I’m learning that I have to like get him ready for for real life. And so I like all of this. This has been super, super helpful. So thank you for all of this.
And I’m absolutely this has been great. Yes, yes.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 36:31
Now, Nellie, before we sign up, I just wanted you to give us either a motivational quote, or some words of encouragement for us real happy moms.
You know what, one of the things that I tell my kids all the time in a loving tone, not you know, it really is I want you to discipline yourself. So others don’t have to. It is something that I say over and over and over again. And sometimes they even just give them the choice. Do you want to discipline yourself on this one? Or do you need me to write and keep in mind mine are 1214 and 16. But it always gives them the question of oh, well, yeah, maybe I should. I should take this one, you know. And so yeah, always discipline yourself. So no one else has to.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 37:17
I like that one. That’s a really, really good one. Good, good. Good. Now Nellie, if we want to connect with you learn more about you. Where can we find you online.
I am on Instagram at Nelly Hardin, and Facebook at Nellie Hardin. And I have a great community of parents in the family architects club. I call parents architects because we’re literally building the beginning of someone else’s life. And so that is our job as parents. And so the family architects Club is a wonderful community and you can get to everything through my website Nelly hardin.com Because I like it. I like it simple. I like to keep it simple. So everything can be accessed through my website.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 37:58
Perfect. And I will make sure to include all of those links in the show notes. Nelly, again, thank you. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. This has been a real treat. I really appreciate everything.
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
Toni-Ann Mayembe 38:12
Now that does it for this episode of The Real happy mom podcast. To find the links and show notes that were mentioned here today. Go on over to Real happy mom.com/ 178 There you’ll find the links as well as CliffsNotes version of what was going on in this episode. And do me a favor if you found this episode helpful. Leave me a five star rate and review in Apple podcasts or wherever you’re listening to this podcast. It helps me out more than you know and lets other people know that this is a great podcast to listen to. Now that we are done with this episode. I’ll be back again for another full episode on Tuesday as well as mommy talk Thursday on Thursday. And then a quick tip on Saturday. I hope that you have a great rest of your week. Hour see you again soon. Take care it was thought