As moms, we tend to put others first even when this means we are last or have no place at all.
But did you know that this is a self-sabotaging behavior?
In today’s episode, I’m talking to Veronica all about how we self-sabotage and how to stop it.
If you are ready to tackle self-sabotaging behaviors, read the post below, or listen to the complete episode.
The guest on this episode is Veronica. Veronica is a married mother of three that overcame almost getting a divorce.
Veronica is a licensed marriage and family therapist, motivational speaker, and the queen host is the transformational women’s retreat.
Veronica is also the CEO of empowered and unapologetic, a hardcore girl gang of women aggressively supporting each other on Facebook.
Her focus is to continue to expand this community filled with authentic women who know their worth and who are unapologetic about putting themselves first.
Veronica’s real aspiration is to help the multitudes of women learn how to let go of perfectionism and instead face their emotional wounds and insecurities.
What are self-sabotaging behaviors and they look like in moms
A lot of us don’t think we have this problem. It’s because most of us live this day to day and never notice it.
Self-sabotaging behaviors can appear in many different ways. Here are a few of the most common ways they show up in moms.
If you find yourself pleasing and appeasing everyone. Always going out of your way to make everyone happy.
You’re in this state where you’re saying yes when you want to say no. People-pleasing is a self-sabotaging behavior.
Not believing in yourself
It is so easy to tell our kids that they can do anything if they believe in themselves. But do you believe that?
You take care of everyone and the house, but you don’t make time to follow through on your dreams.
Put everyone’s needs before your own
I am sure you have seen this. When someone takes on someone else needs as if it were an emergency.
Then drop everything that they are doing to tend to someone else’s needs or problems.
Perfectionism is typical self-sabotaging behavior. The kitchen is never clean enough. Even though you just spent 5 hours cleaning the kitchen.
Nothing is ever good enough. It has to be perfect.
Especially after having kids, it’s kind of like welcome to the world of contrast where everybody’s comparing the way they mom versus the way you mom.
We are then feeling judgment and criticism by not only society, our friends, and our family.
We get into this ugly, dysfunctional pattern of self-sabotage when we follow all five or even one of these.
You don’t necessarily have to follow all five, even one of them will take you down this slippery slope of self-sabotage.
Making everyone else a priority
The most common self-sabotaging behavior that I see in moms is putting others before themselves. Especially at work. Mothers will bring their kids in religiously every six months for their check-up, but never come to see me at the dental office. Unless they are in pain. But why? I know part of the problem is fear. But the other thing that moms say is:
“Well, who else is going to do it?”
“If I don’t do it well, how am I going to have my husband do it? He’s going to forget to tell them this. And so I can’t have him in charge, so I have to do it.”
“And if I do send him, well, I’m going to have to make that phone call after anyway. So why not just kill two birds with one stone and get it done, you know?”
“There’s not enough time.”
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
Having this type of mentality doesn’t allow you to be the best version of yourself. If you think about it, how is your relationship with your spouse or children when you are like this?
It is so important to put yourself first. Not be selfish, but make yourself a priority.
Check-in on yourself. Ask yourself, where am I? Is this important to me?
Putting yourself first is also going to require you to say no. So, stop overcommitting yourself and putting yourself last. You are important.
Steps to ending self-sabotaging behavior
Now you see that you are practicing self-sabotaging behaviors and are ready to stop.
Veronica has a unique process that she takes members of her girl gang through to help with this and more in her Girl Gang.
Step 1: Explore your current state
Take some time to check out your current state. Ask your self, what does my life look like?
What does life look like in your marriage, relationships with others, and yourself?
What does it feel like looking in the mirror?
Because that mask you can wear for everyone, you can wear it and you can fool everyone. You cannot fool yourself.
Step 2: Explore what is keeping you stuck
Now that you have asked yourself some questions about your current state, now it is time to figure out what is keeping you stuck.
This time, ask yourself: What is currently keeping you stuck?
Is it acceptance from your parents or boss? Is it to prove something to your mother-in-law?
Take some time to explore what is keeping you stuck.
Step 3: Develop a support system
Now, it is time to look at your support system. What kind of support do you have now? Is your husband supportive?
Who is supporting you and being your cheerleader? Is it your friends, neighbor or your dog?
Everyone needs support. We were not meant to do things alone. So, identify your support.
Step 4: Cost-benefit of change
Change is hard sometimes. But it is necessary to live a life that you are thriving and enjoy.
Before making change, Veronic encourages to do a cost-benefit of change. Think about what will happen if you change. Sometimes that moms in Veronica’s group have some striking revelations.
Because one thing I hear a lot from women is, well, if I change, I don’t know if I’m going to want to stay with my husband, right? They go that deep. If I change and he doesn’t, then what will our marriage look like?
Many times we are afraid of what will happen if we change. But think time to think about what will happen if you turn in your life and end those self-sabotaging behaviors.
Step 5: Develop a collaborative plan
Lastly, Veronica will work with you to develop a plan. A method for real success and actual change.
If you are ready to get started, get this worksheet that walks you through the five steps.
Veronica wants you to do this today
I want you to say I love you and I want you to maintain eye contact. I think that’s one of the deepest and greatest things we can do for ourselves
When we truly love ourselves, we will make ourselves a priority. You are an awesome mom, and you are essential.
Links mentioned in this episode
03:35 – About Veronica
05:22 – What self-sabotaging behaviors look like
08:54 – The danger of putting everyone first
12:26 – The process of eliminating self-sabotaging behaviors
19:09 – Veronica’s resources
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Related blog post
- How To Quiet That Critical Inner Voice And Prevent Self Sabotage
- 4 Simple Steps for Growing Love for Yourself
- How to Eliminate I Don’t Have Time From Your Vocabulary
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